DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVER

AUTHENTICITY ~ DEPRESSION ~ SUICIDE

What does being authentic mean… in short without Webster, it means to be real, to be you, to SHINE without FEAR, without SHAME, without GUILT. It’s caring less what others think and more what you think o yourself. .

To become authentic dig deep within you and allow your inner light to shine and out-bright any darkness that’s within. You do this by quieting the mind to see what comes up, to discover who you are. It means being WHO YOU ARE outside of the mask, roles, and labels. A good place to start is… asking yourself, WHO AM I? I remember when I was asked this in a workshop, and I was instructed to explain who I was without labels, jobs or titles. I had no answer. For years. Who the hell am I? We are taught to identify and attach ourselves to our jobs or roles, yet when these things shift and change throughout a lifetime, we are often faced with a void. We immediately grasp to fill that void with something outside of ourselves… again, and again…such is the cycle. What is left in the center is your core, your atman, YOUR TRUTH & authenticity. Getting to that center is the practice, and the practice is yoga! 

We are never taught about how to accept, love and honor who we are, yet, instead we are taught to compete, compare, judge, look at others for insight into our own desires. This creates separation, like we are somehow different. WE are not. Look at the current state of the WORLD. It is the epitome of separation. Red verse Blue. Black verse white. Rich verse poor. Vax verse anti–vax, mask verse anti-mask…. do you see????? Are you on one of those sides and so attached to your own belief, you have became closed? This is the opposite of yoga altogether. It seems very little has changed since the beginning of time except now we fight smarter, cleaner, more sophisticated, and cowardly than before. But we are all against each other. What if we…..LOVE ONE ANOTHER, instead? 

What if we were taught to look at ourselves and love WHAT WE SEE. Instead of looking at Hollywood or Social media platforms for advice on how to live, what if we looked in the mirror? Have you ever tried mirror work? Instead we are taught to want what everyone else has. We are taught to fill this void with material things that are short lived and the void still remains. We are taugh to get bigger ___ fill in the blank____ how many have you done: boobs, butts, lips, eye brows, eye lashes, etc. or starved yourself for a smaller waist. We are taught to look at others and desire what they have instead of accepting what we have. We are taught that every product out there will make us better, happier, smarter… but this is short lived and how the rat race & depression/anxiety begins. It is also what feeds corporate America. Advertising brings AWAY from our authentic self. By age 30, we have seen 1 million commercials (this stat is pre social media), all saying you are inadequate without this product; and we buy into it like addicts, because addicts we are. We compare ourselves to people we don’t even know based on outside, external, AESTHETIC factors; all while taking us out of our center, away from our soul, and disconnected to who we are born to be and are, our atman, our authentic self. Vanity. Ego. Checks. Balances. Why is this important more now than ever? Why is it important to practice Santosha- contitment? Because being unhappy with who we are, always trying to please others, causes stress and stress causes disease. We have enough stress in the world so let’s focus on the stressors we can control and eliminate them. Through this we instill contentment. Through contentment and peace, we begin to see with the eyes of the soul. The soul only sees love and dispels fear. Finding peace was important before, but now…..IT’S MANDATORY! Again, LOVE ONE ANOTHER!

We have all been uprooted, turned upside down with what is happening currently everywhere, beyond the virus. It is hard for the most disciplined yogi to remain calm and peaceful and out of fear and into love with everything going on. If you look around at your friends, family, community, you can see the same disconnect among people as we see on the news- this is collective consciousness. We need to raise our vibration. We need to take a step back and remember the things we can control, Remeber the things that bring us healing love and energy. NATURE is the most healing energy you can endure, and its FREE and all around us. Whatever that is for you, you can choose to bring it back into practice right now. 

TRY THIS: 

TURN the TV AND SOCIAL MEDIA OFF for 72 hours, and then if you notice you feel good, continue it for longer. If 72 hours is too overwhelming, try for 24 hours. 

Try it. Or don’t. 

What does all this cause? What does constantly trying to please others cause? What does all the bickering and separation cause? Depression. Anger. Anxiety. Discomfort. When we are not in our daily practice (of whatever) then these start to sneak their way into our consciousness. We become careless. If you are careless in one area you’re careless in all areas. When people are depressed or anxious- they seek anything to make that feeeling go away, anything they can to ESCAPE. This causes addiction. Addiction causes more uprooting, more disconnect, more depression… and the race begins. 40% of Americans claim to experience depression in 2020, this is more than double from 2019 (18.5%), and of that 11% thought of suicide, according to the CDC Website. These numbers are unacceptable for a healthy, wealthy, 1st world country. Something isn’t right. 

What can we do to help? Stop shaming. Stop guilting. Stop hating others. Focus on your own shit versus being overly concerned with everyone else. I guarentee you will feel a shift within you. Try to look at others and see their soul, see them doing the best they know how. See YOU in THEM. Instead of making someone feel bad about their choice, what if you supported them and uplifted them, even if it is not what you would have done. What if we text I LOVE YOU, instead of the new covid numbers. What if we continued life- living, and creating – joy – each and every day, however you want- mask, no mask, vax, no vax, and do not ask something so personal. Try it. Work on detaching from your BELIEF. What if your smile could change someone’s entire life?

I recently got news that a student, and local of New Smyrna Beach committed suicide by jumping off a building. The pain he, or anyone who has committed suicide, must have been in is something I can’t fathom. Some say its selfish, but I have to believe they do not know how to survive in this world. It is not about you. It is about them, sadly, they do not have the capacity to take care of themselves, let alone worry about others. This young man was one of the happiest students, consistently, as he walked through the doors- always smiling. He practiced yoga regularly, if not daily. He never did not have a smile. So much, I found myself wondering what in the world could he be so happy about right now. Turns out, he wasn’t happy. He was struggling and his struggles ran deep. I could feel a sense of despair in this man, but he was doing the HARD work every day at yoga. He was healing. I thought. What if I stayed after and talked to him after class instead of rushing to the next thing, what if I gave him an oppotunirty to share his story and was less concerned with my own. What if I could have helped him? What if I DIDN’T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVER.

I do not know his story, but I know the impression he left on me and many others in the short time he was at the studio. Matt Kraker, REST EASY MY FELOW YOGI. You truly will be missed. I wish we would have known. I wish I would had taken the time to see you deeper. I am sorry.

Yoga injustice. World injustice. The Problem.

You are what you eat? You are what you wear? You are what you buy & buy into. Why? Because our individual consciousness makes up the world’s consciousness. It is called collective consciousness. And looking at our world, I would say there’s some serious injustice happening every day that most people just over look. I realize everyone is not an activist, but if you are aware of something that is wrong and you still choose to do it, buy it, engage in it, eat it, etc. then you, my friend are part of the problem NOT the solution.  I often say that to be the change you have to be part of the solution not part of the problem; it is not easy.  You have to stand alone often, and most of the time go without the “new” hip thing that is being sold to you through manipulative marketing. Marketing itself is the core of manipulation. So what is being part of the problem, because let’s face it; we have many “problems” in this world. Starting at the top – our government. These are people who are supposed to “speak” for us and protect us, when in actuality they do the exact opposite behind a curtain of false pretense, false projections.  We all have seen shortcoming with our healthcare, our food, our environment, and world. So there’s THAT obvious problem, but what people do not see is by supporting them, using their funding, buying their medicines, trusting their news stations and their word.. we support them. We live in age where war, cyber bullying, abusing our children, bullying at school, murders, shootings are at a high (and I realize there are a lot of factors that contribute to this) yet we still are the ones gossiping, hitting out children, fighting each other, projecting hate versus love,  judgment versus acceptance.  How often have you found yourself engaging in conversation about someone who is not there to defend themselves. Would you even say it in front of the person? I am not preaching from a pedestal here, I am speaking from experience. I am guilty. Very guilty.  I am human. I know, as most experienced practitioners of yoga or meditation, that this type of behavior is just a reflection of the void and darkness within each and every one of us. Where is the process of teaching your children, friends, family,  to send compassion and love to others that are different, to listen to your own inner guidance instead of always reaching outward, to trust ourselves versus others? The process is that you yourself have to change to be the change. It is not easy to look in mirror and own your stuff, and then to actually do something about it. But, I am telling you if we don’t start to shift our consciousness, we, this planet, this world, is in for a major awakening.

A more subtle and maybe to some less serious issue… the food we eat, the products we buy. Whether you want to believe it or not, you’re supporting the problem by purchasing the problem. The number one cause to green house gases and our planet being destroyed is farming animals for food; Eating meat in a glutinous manner; or in the sake of California, watering plants, mass production of farming to the point there’s an entire county that has NO WATER. Yes that’s right, has no water to shower, to go to the bathroom, to drink to cook. Do you think the news channels air this information or this story… No. Why? Because it doesn’t serve a profit to make anyone aware. Again going back to part of the problem at hand is we trust a very sneaky, manipulative and greedy government that doesn’t care for the people but only cares to control what they can and in the mean time, make as much money as they can. That’s another blog entirely. So first we need to wake up. The television you’re watching is rotting your brain. The food you eat is rotting your soul. Not your body, your soul. Are people willing to eat less meat knowing this fact, not most. Why? Ask yourself that question. The social media your gazing is causing more self-doubt, more insecurities and more of a desire to purchase things that are marketed to make you believe you will feel better, be better and do better with them.

And that brings me to the purpose of this blog.  Yoga. Yoga and yogis are no different from anyone else, yet we claim to be more aware. With awareness comes a duty to be our best always. Once you understand that foundation of the practice and the morals and ethics instilled within the practice; you almost have an obligation to be an activist and do what is right, because you know what is right. Yoga is not all rainbow and butterflies, it is real life shit. It is dark. It is scary. It is hard. It is REAL. Most people never talk about the dark, pretend everything is ok, post all the happy times for the world to see how happy they are, yet depression is at an all time high. Yoga forces you to face that and not only face it, but own it. As with everything, there’s always a few bad apples. I’ll name one, Bikram Choudhury, yet millions of people show up for a daily practice that was founded on sexual assault, control, egotistical philosophy and just pure HATE, NOT YOGA. Then there’s companies like Alo Yoga and Lulu Lemon that have destroyed the image of yoga. Go to a class in Los Angeles; you see people so disgusted with their own identity that they are covered in a $300 outfit, plastic surgery, carrying their yoga mat and latte, yet have not a clue what the foundation of yoga is. It is undoing all of that!

So now there is a lawsuit against a 24 year old yoga teacher who used to be an ambassador for Alo Yoga. She decided that she can no longer represent a company that does not align with her beliefs. She didn’t like the imagery or language that Alo Yoga puts out and also claims, yet again, several accounts of sexual assault within the company.  The message Alo Yoga displays is if you are not skinny and beautiful you can’t wear my clothes. It is not words that carry the weight, it is action.  Lulu Lemon has been accused of this as well, with the founder being very clear that his clothes were not for overweight people. They do not make clothes in larger sizes. So because she decided to end her contract with ALo Yoga and now Cody App, they are suing her for defaming the company. HELLO? We live in a sue crazy world, how is that being the change, or even remotely yoga. She was speaking her TRUTH and in a “free” country is allowed to do so. Is there a point of success or money that makes your morals and ethics turn? Because if so, I would say your missing the practice. I have never supported these companies because of the cost, but mainly because of what message they portray. Yet I find myself with hand me down Alo Yoga clothing and a Lulu Lemon mat; and both will be gone before the day is over, and not donated because then I’m allowing someone else to represent a false representation of yoga and enforcing the problem. The only way this world is going to change is by standing out. Sacrificing what you want for what is right.

 

No one has the right to say you can or can not practice yoga because of the way you look. Yoga is a way of life, it is not some physical practice that we do. It is something we become by unbecoming all that no longer serve us as humans. This news saddens me yet brings a fire within me because we have an OBLIGATION to stand up for what is right. To speak our truth and to make people aware of what is happening so they too can find their truth. Everyone has a choice, and I realize to some this is not an important issue, but to me, it is the PROBLEM. These BULLDOG companies would not exist without their customers. Stop buying these products, they are way too expensive anyhow, and this isn’t just in the yoga world, this happens every day. The root of it all. Collective Consciousness.  To pretend it isn’t happening is not being conscious at all. You do not need a pair of leggings to practice yoga. You do not need a yoga mat. You need a will, an open mind and the desire to dedicate your life to a practice that will drastically better yourself. It is founded on the MOST ANCIENT TEXT known. The same text that every religion was formed from, yet there is absolute no dogma in yoga.  We tend to not care if it doesn’t pertain to us. For me, I see this “problem” keeping people who need yoga from coming to yoga. Yoga changes lives. It could drastically change and shift the consciousness of this world.  Of You. But you have to practice it off the mat to really make a difference. We are human, we make mistakes, we are never going to be perfect, but we can make a promise to always do our best and when we fall short, own it. It’s time to wake up. It’s time to create. It is time to shift the collective consciousness of this planet.

Change…

The one constant on this planet is.. everything changes. The more we are attached to an idea, person, place, thing.. the more suffering we will have. Change. That has been my motto the last month or so. Insane how life works and how magical it can be. I saw an ayurveda doctor yesterday and as she listen to me tell my story, she paused in her writing and looked up at me and said “wow, there are A LOT of changes in your life right now.” I smiled and said I know. I always am a bit extreme in everything I do, I suppose. How you do one thing is how you do all things. We are creatures of habit. Habit in the way we think, speak, act and react. Habitual beings.

A month ago I got diagnosed with CHS (Cannabinoid Hypersensitivity Syndrome). My world as I knew it was about to drastically change. First, I didn’t believe this was a real thing, over the last month, Ive realized it is a very real thing and it happen to me. It is funny how things work out; for about a year and a half  I “talked” about cutting back and finding balance, because balance is key to everything in life. The more I focused on balance, the more I used. It became an obsession. Every hour almost in the day. It was not even working; it was just building up to toxicity.  I was hospitalized 3 times and finally diagnosed and released to figure this out on my own. It was one of the hardest things I have ever went through. The rush of hormones, the detoxing, the depression that followed, not to mention all the drugs they pumped with me in the hospital. I adjusted. The situation was scary, I never wanted to smoke again. And I haven’t. I decided to give up coffee because my body was in a state of shock and very acidic. I also gave up dairy, although I cheat every now and then with dairy. I gave up alcohol 2 weeks after being out of the hospital.  Clarity started to come over me. Reflection of my life. Inflection of who I am and who I want to be. I started therapy. I started journaling and mediating again. I started to really “see” my life. I had to quit drinking because everything “challenging” or hard or accidental or bad.. was always revolved around alcohol. It made me someone I wasn’t. I like to give myself challenges in life. Quit drinking milk when I was 20, and I loved milk. Then quit eating meat at 21, and I loved Burger King Chicken Sandwiches and pepperoni. I quit smoking cigarettes because I hated them. Twice. I have a very addictive personality. I have overcome so many addictions in my lifetime, and this was no different. I was determined to overcome this too. all of it.. but DAMN ..It was a lot of change all at once. But I am doing it and continue to do it. It is empowering. It has given me so much clarity and grasp on my life. It has shown me and reminded me who and what is important in my life.

A few years ago, I was reminded that I can do anything I put my mind to. Anything that I put time and energy into. I landed a handstand for longer than a millisecond and I thought.. wow, I had been practicing this on and off for 3 plus years, and I finally did it. It was a moment that you only recognize after years of hard work. So, as cliche as it may sound, a handstand showed me that I could do this too. I told myself I did not have a choice, which I don’t. But I do have a choice if I drink or not. I do have a choice for happiness. I want love and happiness in my life, and I know the only way to have it right now is by refraining from the things that cause me pain; and besides, it’s a fun game to see if I can master.

I had to find things to do. I was surprised by the list of things that I have wanted to do, yet would go out instead. Walking on the beach, reading, cooking, sitting in silence, watching documentaries and stand up comedies,  hanging out with friends; and I can still go out and meet people and not drink. I am finding my confidence in who I am without alcohol. I am finding my voice, my true inner voice. I am connecting with people and allowing people into my world. I am receiving for the first time in my adult life. I am living. Someone said I looked lighter and brighter. Up until that moment, I had not felt any different. Once that was spoke to me, the seed was planted and I actually started feeling lighter and brighter.. and stronger. Stronger physically. Stronger mentally. Stronger emotionally.

There are moments where I feel completely lost and alone. I know I am not, but sometimes it is just how we feel as humans. We have pity parties for ourselves. We tell ourself that we are alone and no one has felt this and that everyone else is happy. Truth is, everyone struggles from time to time. The struggles are what makes us who we are. Our character is defined how we handles tribulations in life. When we are happy, it is easy to be the best version of you, happy, open allowing. When we are stuck, or sad, or confused, or not have a clue why, what or where we are going.. life can be hard. and being the best version of you can be even harder. Taking each moment as a blessing and a new opportunity to shine keeps the momentum going. Focus on all that is good and all that is, versus the contrary. Where we exhaust our energy is what we manifest within our lives. Focus on the solution. Focus on the things you want. That vibration will attract all that you need, desire and deserve. Focus on being the best version of you in every aspect of life: Friend. Mother. Sister. Teacher. Lover. Being. Focus on the light versus the dark. Shine your light so bright it begins to dim the dark, because darkness can be when there is light!

Be the change.

August 2017 ?

Karmic energy



I get the privilege of talking to a lot of people throughout the week; I get to hear their stories. When we leave a yoga class, we are normally wide open, connected on a deeper level with our subconscious, and in a space where our conscious and subconscious meet. Remember our subconscious knows ALL; our conscious gets things twisted because of attachment, emotions, and our heart. Illusions. Our heart & soul are our subconscious, our mind is our conscious, and often they collide. Ive noticed over the last several years, but more specifically months, a perfect balance of yin and yang within each of us, but also as a whole. Karma completely balancing itself out. I believe karma is infinite and equally balanced. In a very material and surface example, if you lie, you will be lied to, if you cheat you will be cheated on, if you think a thought and act on it even if you know it’s wrong, you must believe that eventually the same action will be done to you. Karma is exact. This belief alone has transformed how I do things throughout my life. In a relationship, if I text another male, with the intent of attention seeking, I believe my mate will eventually do the same. If I give my number to someone, eventually he will do the same to me, and so the karma energy stays infinite and forever changing. “You weep what you sow.” Shift to our inner most layer/Kosha- the thoughts, the seed that is planted and slowly starts to grow. If you become aware of the thoughts, you can control your karma, control your life. It starts with one action or inaction and soon it becomes a habit and who you are.  Now of course there are times that the person on your path is just inflicting their own karma onto you, but Im sure if you dig deep down in your life, you may see where it is warranted.  You can’t change your past, but you can change your NOW. You can write a new story for your future by being true to YOURSELF in this moment. This belief has brought me to an inner awareness of the intent behind my actions and most often has prevented me from doing things I may have done in the past; and on the contrary, if I do something, I must believe it will be done to me. Ahimsa (non-violence in thought, word, deed). Satya (truth. one truth). the two yamas I live my life by. Zoey was a huge catapult into that changed within me. My daughter made me realize 1. all truths surface (we all know about our parents lives, even those secrets they thought would never surface, and so it will be with my life). Yoga is a selfless practice although outsiders call yoga a selfish practice. I cant possibly give the best to my daughter and others if I am not my best, therfore the belief from outsiders is wrong. 2. Same sex parents are the biggest role model in children’s lives, and so I am to my daughter, and in the words of a great teacher, Bryan Kest, ‘Kids don’t listen, they become you.” Focus on the one true person in life that is always there as everything around changes- YOU. The relationship you have with yourself defines every relationship you have outside of yourself. Yoga is simply to understand who you are and then to practice accepting you for you and changing those things that no longer serve you. That is IT! Nothing more, Nothing less.

Lately I see and hear so many people going through vast changes. Hard changes. All change is hard. Mostly relationship based.. life long partners that just aren’t working anymore. Women losing their voice, losing their ability to even define what it is they desire and want in life. Men aren’t excluded from this, as yoga gets more popular, and more men start practicing, I get to heart their side too. I grew up with only male friends, this influx of women in my life is a new phenomenon; I by no means am bias towards women, is my point. Women just share more. People going through changes with their kids, finding their voices and ultimately leaving the marriage, relationship or their job for nothing other than happiness and seeking their new dharma (purpose). Women tend to give so much throughout their life, that their own desire and wants disappear. My therapist recently asked me what I like to do. My answer was yoga. She firmly said NO, you need to find you. I rolled my eyes because she sounds like me with my students. Sometimes teachers are the worse students. Men spend their whole life working and providing and eventually fall into this way of thinking as well. They have lost themselves in their work.. what some may define as their purpose. We, as a society get so carried away with doing, providing, loving, giving, producing- that we forget what’s important in life. We forget to take a minute and reflect, to be with ourselves in the quiet moments so we hear what our subconscious, our heart, our soul, has to say. Remember- it KNOWS ALL. Society calls this mid-life crisis. I believe I had my first one and am still going through it now, at 36. My physical body shut down and told me no more. Take time for me. My whole world crumbled as I knew it. Everything I knew changed in what feels like a split second. I no longer had my support of the plant I loved so much; I’ve realized it’s not support but numbing and hiding. I no longer had anything to numb me. I gave up coffee, dairy, pot and alcohol all in a very short time and then .. My heart was broke, and for the first time I didnt have something to escape with. I would scream to God asking why all this was happening so fast and right now. Why me? I am a good fucking perosn. And then I would mediate or talk to my therapist and be reminded that there is a powerful lesson for my soul happening right NOW. Release control. I’ve always controlled my whole life and everyone in it. Today, I practice letting go of control. Trusting the plan for me and the bigger picture of life. Receiving support and love from others and not seeking or demanind it form the one I want it from. Trusting that maybe others and God know whats best for me. I started taking advice from others and taking care of myself with love, even when the pain was/is unbearable. .. and then I would talk to a student and quickly be put into my place by their story. Pain and suffering is inevitable. It’s a part of the journey and life. It’s a part of growth. I hear stories far more intense than mine and wonder how they are even standing here talking to me, I think, I would die of pain and heartache, but just as them, I wouldn’t. We all survive, because we are all still here, but it is how we get through the transitions, especially the shitty transitions, that define who we are and who we become. Cancer, death, kids moving on, family turmoil, jobs ending, lifetime relationships ending, lonliness, fear, pure fear in the eyes of the unknow. Just as I start to wonder if life is ONLY full of pain and suffering, I hear a new love story of two people falling madly in love. Pure love. True love. People who deserve it, but we all deserve it. People who have been where the pain was but now see love. People who were in the dark but now shine bright. Im reminded that everything passes. People will be ok without you and you cant take it personal or on the contrary worry that they will crumble without your existence. I see and hear people starting a new journey in their career, a new journey as a single mother, a friend living by herself for the first time ever.. the panic in her words makes me feel her pain and want to take it from her, but I know how much she will thrive and grow to love her alone time, but she has to experience it herself. Experiences teach lessons not books. Being alone is important, not only for happiness, but to finding that inner child again; before he or she was damaged by life. The child that was and is so pure, full of love and light and not afraid to shine. We ALL deserve that. We all are that.  We all deserve to be happy. Do not let someone else dim that shit. Do not let someone else make you feel you are not worthy. You are! And I have to remind myself of that from time to time. Be you. Be true. Karma will always work itself out, so remember that as you move forward, as you honor the moment at hand and as you reflect to your past, Karma.  Everything will work out if you follow your heart. Your heart, NOT your mind. Your heart will always guide you home to your Atman (true self). Even though there is a lot of dark, theres an equal balance of light as a whole and within. A wise teacher once said, there is no dark where there is light. So shine. Focus on the light and dissipate the dark.

Jackie Anderson

Owner, Kula Yoga Center

 

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Broke heart

Change. Everything in life changes so why is it so hard when change is implemented in our lives. Or maybe change isn’t hard, but being in a place you don’t want to be in- is hard. I don’t want to …

Little Humans

As my daughter and I played on the beach, I watched her as she test her limits with me. She wants to know she has boundaries and that I am watching her.  I try to parent my child based on a choice method. Now I don’t know if this is a style of parenting, but I do know, it works for my child and I.  I see adults on the regular reprimanding their children almost in everyday conversation. Don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t, don’t, don’t. Which is sometimes very necessary, but sometimes very inhibiting to their confidence and growth.  My daughter is currently in the “why” stage and one thing I don’t want to do, but again sometimes I have no other choice, is to overuse the words “because I said so”. As adults, it is our duty, especially as parents, to teach our children. To explain everything and anything we can. Can you imagine being 2 and not knowing what anything is on this beautiful planet and to be so taken back by its beauty, you just want to know EVERYTHING about it; yet that annoys parents??? I watch as she notices things that I overlook, like the tiniest broke seashell and says “mom, fix it”, because in her world, I can fix anything. 🙂

She is approaching a stage of independence and wants to do things on her own. She wanted to walk to the ocean while her baby and I sat back and watched. So I let her, as long as she stayed within a certain point of the ocean. Try 1. success. try 2, she pushed her limits and went past, quickly looked back and ran back to apologize. I explained to her she had a choice. If she went past this point, then she would no longer be able to walk without holding my hand. She chose the latter anyways, and from that point on, we walked hand in hand ( I secretly planned that :)). I then proceeded to explain to her why what she did, was wrong. I did not yell at her, but communicated to her. I think people forget children are people too. They are humans too. I hear often, “she’s a kid, who cares, Im her mom and I said no”. Which is fine and to each their own. I want my child to always feel powerful in her skin and confident in who she is and the decisions she makes, but to respect the limitation of her authority and others. I want her to feel like an equal and that her voice matters. Children are the people of the future. They are in charge of this planet, why people dismiss them is beyond me. Why people would ever feel superior is beyond me. No one is inferior or superior, no one and no soul. We are in this life together for a reason. The most important years are the first 2-5, and the most stressful; yet it is the time that shapes who we are. Our personality is developed by 5 years old. That should speak volumes to how you treat children within this time frame. Acceptance. Love. PATIENCE. Compassion. Children do not listen, but they BECOME YOU!

As I reflect back on this situation, I realize what an amazing human being I get to spend every day with. She is so amazing to watch grow. Her expressions mimic me like I’ve never witnessed before, she wants to do everything I do; and that is why being a parent should be the most eye-opening experience to “your shit” and who you are. I have no a clue what I am doing as a mother, but I do know how to read people, especially my daughter; and I know when the slightest comment affects her. I know how to #communicate with her even before she could speak; for 90 percent of language is body language. I know how to #listen to her. To let her speak. To explain things to her and to remind her everyday how much I love her. I let her be who she was born to be. I know how to be selfless and to always put her first. This has been hands down the hardest, most challenging, most rewarding, more eye opening, and my biggest teacher yet in life; and believe me we all have our moments. It’s ok to freak out, to be mad, to yell, to scream, to react, to mess up, to be upset it will never be about you again NOTHING EVER LOL…. it’s ok to want to go back to before kids, to want to get away, to say something you meant but immediately regret speaking out loud. We are human. One thing I’ve learned along the way from other people’s advice (we all know every mom wants to project their advice on you), is that it is CRUCIAL to show your children you are #HUMAN. You mess up. You #cry. You scream and act totally irrational. You apologize as you look them in the eyes. You #laugh. You kiss- hug and make up.  You interact with your child like adults do, but with a little more grace, ease, and gentleness. We live on a planet of duality. We can’t have one without the other. You can’t have happiness without sadness, light without dark, anger without compassion, fear without love, peace without chaos. It’s ebbs and flow of life just like the flow of energy in space. We are all one and connected and all so similar in our ability to feel, that the alienation of our society baffles me; although at one moment in life, I too was very disconnected from the higher meaning of life. Thank you to my amazing daughter and yoga for showing me the light and helping my find my purpose.

Remember they are only young once. Breathe. Patience. Green.

#babyandme #toddler #terrible2s #erribletwos #parenting #love #yoga #lessons #choices #humans #feelings #duality #bestyearsofyourlife #childrenarethebest #truth #reflection #growth #parenthood #listening

Divided we stand

 

This past weekend I was at a yoga journal conference, where I felt very connected to everyone around me. The news of Paris came to us a bit late due to where we were. The next morning, I was amazed at what little was said about the events that occurred that kept most of us up. A few teachers asked for silence and prayer for those effected by Saturday, and I personally set my intentions to the people in this world going through a traumatic experience; which includes a lot of people. Due to my personal life, I hear about events around the world that take place and that never make the media here in the United States.  The people in office, or the people attempting to play God, deem some tragedies/people important enough to report or some not so important. There is tragedy all over this world. EVERYDAY. To children. To soldiers. To mothers. To innocent families. To believers of some religion. People say I live in a bubble. I do to some extent because I am very sensitive to energy. I make a conscious decision to not watch the propaganda of our media, or to buy into the fear that is trying to be forced into us. It is coming at us at every direction, imbedding in our cells. We have to stay awake, conscious, aware of what we are consuming.. Whether that consumption be via our mouth with food, or via our eyes and ears with society/social media. We have to be conscious of who we surround ourselves with. Be aware of what we think, especially about our own self worth. We can not empower and uplift others if we do not feel uplifted and empowered ourself.

I got on social media after hearing about Paris. I personally believe social media & the internet has given us an incredible ability to connect and share who we are. Through sharing of ourselves, creates a feeling of connection to others, because, guess what? we are all very much the same. we all feel joy, sadness, despair, loneliness.. we all have a heart that is sensitive to life, but how we handle these emotions is what makes us different. Sharing your journey helps others feel that connection.  Unfortunately, a lot of people use it as a platform to be egotistical, to bitch and complain, and to judge others. If you look at these people, they usually are those things. They do those things on an every day basis. What I realized is how you do one thing is how you do all things, and I simply started to unfriend them. Not because I don’t like them, but because I do not want that negative energy entering into my being via my eyes or ears.  I witnessed people posting out of fear and wanting to run away. It amazes me people don’t realize their value. Their unique purpose in this world as a whole. We are all here to serve in some form or other. To connect and share our inner beings. Like the sun offers his light, and the trees their oxygen, we as humans, are here to serve too; without caring about the outcome. We, individually, make up this planet. All of our perspectives, make the perspective of the whole country.. the world. It starts at a much smaller level. Its starts with you. Your tribe. Surround yourself around people who want to be better, who want YOU to be better and who only elevate.You have a choice everyday to be the best you.

Through this tragedy, I would have loved to see people talking about love, about feeling connected through something horrific and to know that this goes on all over, everyday. Injustice. It does not need to consume you, but you can make a difference on your level. Are you living an injustice life? Are you not living your truth? Are you settling for something when you know need and DESERVE more. Are you cowering down who you are because someone along this life put self doubt in you? Fear in you? Every action deems from love or fear. Dont let the recent events cause you to be hateful, fearful, but yet speak love. Be love. Share love. If your children ask what happened, explain to them from a place of love. Bad things happen, but is how we react to it, that defines who we are. Don’t engage in the negative banter. The gossip. Walk away or stop it. You have a choice. Every day. Every moment to be you and to be TRUE. To not only live from a place of truth but a place of Source. Divinity. The more we connect with others, the more the force will grow. Lets stop this division among each other and join forces to be a positive, evolving movement in our life time.

#truth #paris #Europe #betrue #beyou #belove #love #fear #connection #divinity #source #intuition #trust #standup #union #cometogetherrightnow #yoga #yogaeverydamnday #worldevents

The Alchemist

“People learn early in they lives, what is their reason for being,” said the old man, with a certain bitterness. “Maybe that’s why they give up on it so early, too. But that’s the way it is.” _Alchemist. sigh.. the story goes on to say, at a young age your told no you cant do that, thats not possible. Fear sets in and then your lift shifts. In a way you shift what your destiny is, so you think. I am going through an extremely challenging transition in my life right now. Uncertain if I am making a good decision or bad decision, fear of the unknown makes me doubt everything in my being., but isn’t that what growth is. Being uncomfortable, sitting and allowing whatever feelings to come and go. Taking time to process. Don’t we do that in our practice every day? We hold poses. We breathe. We become uncomfortable. Maybe agitated. Distressed. Angry. We try to find stillness in this chaos. Breath through it. Accept it. Allow it to penetrate our bodies from the inside out. What’s the difference when we are off our mats? Nothing! The mind doesn’t know the difference between a fake smile or a real smile. Nor does it know the different between being in a uncomfortable physical position and being uncomfortable mentally in our bodies. Pain is uncomfortable. Sadness hurts and causes pain. Fear is painful. It’s hard, but facing them is liberating. Its time to take back my life and stop giving so much with nothing in return. I sit with these feelings and allow them to absorb into my being so I can release them. If I don’t feel and release, disease will set in. aches and pains in my body. My emotional pain turns into physical pain because the body responds the same as the mind. Its hard, but this is my destiny. I had an epiphany while reading the Alchemist. This book came into my life at the perfect time. I’m fairly locked in or tuned in to what it is that serves me and what doesn’t. I’m not sure if I have ever thought, “what is my destiny on this earth. I have thought about my purpose in recent years. Through yoga, I learned we all have our own true purpose. I don’t understand why I just found out about this purpose we all have. Have we all been programmed to learn certain things that some lobbyist decided was a good education, a good routine. Those same assholes control the food that is killing us day by day. “Let’s teach our youth math, science, English (no other language), history (very limited) and some bullshit electives. The word elective used to get me every time because I was able to elect my class, yet it was of a selection I cared nothing about. Idk maybe we have it all wrong. Maybe we shouldn’t send our kids to sit in a classroom for 8 hours a day, with a few minutes to walk and move a day; the majority of the day we sit and listen to someone teach about topics that don’t interest most. I am not saying we shouldn’t learn these things; I just wish there were more options and freedom to express who you are. I started thinking about it, after reading the beginning of the Alchemist, and we are told from a very young age that we cant do that, stop dreaming, focus on this or that. Check the boxes to get to the next level. Believe me, I was super good in school. I loved school. I still love school. But I was also a bit brainwashed. I never thought for myself. I never understood what I was doing, yet memorized and somewhat have a photographic memory, well before all the pot smoking. J yikes. I did what I had to do to move forward. To get into college. Then grad school. Which I never made it because I woke the fuck up. Not that grad school is stupid, it just was not my destiny. I was good at it. You like anything you are good at, right. I was avoiding life. Work. A job. I have a hard time with authority. I am a Capricorn. That’s not an accuse, I can handle it, but I don’t want to. Boundaries. Constraints. Wrong. Right. EGOS. That’s really all it is. Damn Egos, especially of the male species. Teaching worked well for me and so did sales, but owning my own business works best. Maybe that was my destiny all along? I know I dreamed of being a professional dancer; working for Michael Jackson ( sort of funny), but I knew I was not good enough. I don’t know if I had a destiny. BUT we all have a destiny!! I remember as a young child, having an imaginary friend and how special my dolls and a stuff animals were to me. They truly were alive to me. I would treat my stuff animals’ way better than my friends, and way better than myself. They would take over my bed and I would only use up a tiny space. Funny, 30 something years later, I still use up only a tiny portion of my bed, while my daughter lays everyway but the correct way. Whatever that means, “correct way”. One thing she has taught me is, what the hell is the right way. Where did adults get lost in life? Where did they loose that freedom to be and express who they are? Children know no boundaries. They don’t know right from wrong, well in some ways, but they just live. They just be. It’s remarkable to watch. Can you imagine a world full of functioning adult children? I think it would be full of love, rainbows, and yo gabba gabba. When examining the idea of destiny, I was some what bombarded with a feeling about being a mom. Maybe my destiny was shut down at a young age by a doctor, who told me I couldn’t have kids. I made myself believe I did not want kids. I literally convinced myself of it and maybe it was true. I am not sure. I know that I have always been a nurturer, in my harsh way. I have always loved animals. I took care of anything and everything. I was a mom. I took care of my friends as I got older, always watching over them and if they were in my house, making sure they were comfortable. I am a caregiver. I am also fucking crazy, wild and can be the worse role model ever, but I never had to be a role model. Then I turned 31 and well it happens, I suppose- hormones shift and that desire came back. I used to laugh when girls would say I’m destined to be a mom, but now I get it. Women are nurtures and we are made to take care of others. Men are providers; they are made to provide for the family. Yes times have shifted, but our roots are the same. I’ve never known a feeling of something being so right and it dawned on me while bawling reading the Alchemist. I used to play with my dolls like Zoey and as a little girl I dreamed of being a mom. When I was 15, my OBGYN told me I probably wouldn’t be able to conceive. Who tells a 15 year old that? Well, I fucking did. Maybe we have several destinies or maybe the path to our destiny, like the boy in the Alchemist (I’m not finished with the book), is really what it is all about. Recognizing the signs. The omens. I am on my path again. Idk where that is or what that is, but I know I am so grateful to discover it. My daughter has helped me discover my love of writing again, but more so has opened me up enough to be able to share it with others. Life gets in the way of a lot of people’s dreams. Things happen and as a result we write off certain other things and end up conforming and doing things that everyone else does, never truly living ones own destiny. That’s a hard truth. A hard reality. Made me think, Am I loving my OWN destiny. Sigh. Are you living you true destiny?

#destiny #purpose #yogaeverydamnday #nonattachment #love #motherhood #baby #family #followyourheart #followyourdreams #educatebeyondschool #beactiveparents #betrue #beyou #loveall #alchemist #thealchemist #beopen #omens #listentoyoursoul #childhood #society

UNFRIENDED

I can't help but notice the importance that social media, especially Facebook, has on our society. I've struggled with the mindless scrolling and wasting of life on social media. It turned out is wasn't social media's fault, it was the operator. Similar to the theory that guns aren't bad, people are. I hated my life. Mostly my job and I spent almost 8 hours a day doing it (including my travel time). I was avoiding work, so I obsessed. I tried to get rid of my smart phone (because that was the problem) and I tried to get rid of Facebook. All left me very bored in my already miserable job and added a lot more hours of work she nI got home. Holy fuck. I quit pharmaceuticals, something that ate at my being every fucking day, and I was free. I didn't feel frustrated with social medial anymore, because I wasn't frustrated with my life. I was enjoying my life. Now I have a child. Then end. I sneak a few peaks and post in a couple times a day before my 18 months calls me out and makes me realize I'm setting a horrible example. 

This leads me to unfriending. I recently was in a situation that I desperately did not want to be a part of and was being dragged in every direction through my business. I chose the route to unfollow quite a few people that were creating negative feelings inside. Not unfriending, nut passively to unfollow their bullshit. I have sorted my Facebook and Instagram accounts to reflect only things I like and that are positive. I try to use it not only as an outlet for myself, but also for inspiration throughout my day and life. I unfollowed. Done. Wiped my hands of negativity, moved on. Out of sight out of mind. Then I thought, what a pussy. How passive aggressive can one be, to unfollow. Then I hear my mother, Jackie, pick you battles. Stop fighting everything and everyone to the grave. Turned out my mother was right too. This battle was not to be fought aggressively to avoid more drama. Then it happen, in a wave of anger, I thought, I'm deleting this person. Not all, but one that I just don't need to be associated with and I want to stand up for what I believe is right. I did it. I UNFRIENDED. HOLY SHIT! What a relief. Then oh shit. Here comes the drama. It didn't take but one day to get a phone call, several calls from several people. The uproar. First, who the hell follows their friend list that closely. I thought this is so pathetic. It's Facebook, however, I owned. Defensed my action. Moved on. Felt great. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically at what an impact Facebook can have on so many people. Shit anyone who is on it. I've know husbands, wives, sisters, cousins, kids (duh), mother-in-laws, boyfriends, girlfriends all deleted in a fit of anger.  A reactive state. I have deleted the father of my child as he has me.  We currently are not friends. on FACEBOOK, anyways. I laugh and mock these actions but in a sense, Facebook is the reality to our society. The reality we chose for others to see and perceive us as. It's almost as we can write our own lives and share the moments that suit us best. My friends have become virtual. Life gets in the way, and the only form of connection we have with our family and friends afar are via social media. Social media is our reality in essence. It is the truth that we are allowing others to see. Being unfriended is real life and it hurts. People take it personally yet not one person can say, Ive been unfriended with out laughing and feeling childish and silly. Society has created this illusion for the rest of the World to see. Remember even the happiest people/families have challenging times, go through struggles, feel sadness, pain, anger.. most just choose not to share the negative parts. Use this as a tool to lift others, to encourage and inspire, but to also show you are human. Stop wishing to be someone else or somewhere else and start enjoying your life that is right in front of you. 

What is your illusion? What is your truth?